Who Can Black Women Be, if not Strong?
Who am I in relation to the world and myself, if not what I have been?
— Cicely Green, LCPC, the Author
The Black woman’s gift at birth are her healing capabilities. Her natural resources are used to heal, create, and help; but in colonization, used to exploit, degrade, and discard. This oppression goes for all women and this blog can apply to many women. But for the rest of the blog, Black women are the narrators.
Black women face health risks with discrimination from health professionals who don’t take concerns seriously or with urgency. They also receive it from chronic stress by just living, the wear and tear of everyday life in racism, capitalism, and patriarchy. The burden of having to do it all and carry the added weight leads to health issues. Growing up, we have been told and shown that being resilient and enduring pain is a personal victory and triumph. We have to work twice as hard and prove ourselves in society.
Having perfected the superwoman troupe. Masters at accomplishing or fixing. Problem solving and holding for everyone. Stoically putting their needs last. Normalizing the burn out. Capes always ready. Subconsciously adopting the Mammy mentality. Often with no support or community care because of nonreciprocal relationships, lack of trust, fear of vulnerability, fear of failure, and fear of one another: “When we are not self hating, we are hating on you.”
Working as a healer adds an additional cape where the Black woman continues to hold it down for everyone. In these healing and helping professions, there is a standard that has been systematically created to give back for free or for low pay, all the while working selflessly and tirelessly. It’s not a coincidence that these professions are female dominated.
Also in non healer professions, Black women are often recruited to fix problems yet not be included in leadership decisions. Black women are expected to be grateful for the opportunity regardless of pay or toxicity. Is it because Black women are expected to live in servitude? Why is it taboo or radical to live, want, and expect differently? Why isn’t soft, peace, and selfish acceptable?
Radical ways of living as a Black woman triggers biases about what Black women should do and be. If she expresses dark emotions, “under” performs or falls behinds, stops striving, implements self serving boundaries, wants to be paid well, and chooses herself through rest and joy…there’s pushback, consequences, and backlash once the Black woman is no longer others-focused. Others and excellence focused is the standard way of being for Black women. They love, give, achieve, and live without pleasure, with struggle, and as a means of survival.
Patriarchy’s mission is for women not to access pleasure…whether through food (be skinny), wealth, sex, happiness, or freedom.
How to Find Your Soft Life
This is why Soft Life is trending and freeing Black women from this generational trauma. Soft life decolonizes the expectations of how a Black woman should show up for herself and in relation to others. The burnt out superwoman is no longer serving Black women. It truly never was. Future generations will be free of this identity with the help of us embracing soft life today.
The soft life intentionally pursues an easy and peaceful life. A soft life is a lifestyle of comfort and relaxation with minimal challenges and stress. Black women rarely get to experience that and often are expected to be the backbone of their families. The ultimate goal is to thrive and enjoy life without having to endure hardships, pain or burdens.
The soft life you see online doesn’t have to be how your soft life looks. Here’s some questions and action items to consider to help create a soft life that’s authentic to you:
1) Energy & Emotions Inventory - Who / what gives you energy? Who / what drains you? How do you feel after this energy revival; and energy drain? It’s time to reconsider the things or people that cause the energy drain. Choosing you means to seek or ask for more reciprocity, or let it go.
2) What boundaries / expectations do you need to create and negative beliefs you need to challenge in order to prioritize your needs, wants, and desires?
3) What does your ideal life or perfect day look like? Think about what would you like to be doing, where would you be, etc. in your daily life if you didn’t need to work or worry about money. Imagine a life where you don’t have to struggle or be strong. Incorporate one of these ideas in your life today.
4) What is joyous and fulfilling to you that isn’t attached to achieving or what you do for others?
5) How can you base decisions on how you feel vs what you “have” to do?
6) Can you sometimes feel your feelings without suppressing and fixing them?
Finding Soft Life thru Sex
Women’s sensuality and desires are villianized, suppressed, controlled and shamed within the patriarchy. Women often say yes when pressured or when they mean no to “protect the male ego” while shrinking ourselves, invalidating our needs, and protecting our safety. BDSM or practicing being “dominant” can be a form of sexual healing for Black women. Accessing and prioritizing female pleasure and reclaiming consent contradicts what the patriarchy wants. Check out our IG post that expands on this idea.
Final Thoughts (Author POV)
Who am I in relation to the world and myself, if not what I have been? I don’t know yet. I do know that I am tired. Today is my birthday, and my gift to myself is to live in my soft life for the rest of my life. Will you join me?
—
Resources for Black Women to Embrace and Validate a Soft Life
I’m Tired of Being a Black Woman
Rather than dealing with stress, trauma, and racism, Black women deserve a day-to-day life of ease
A 'GMA' Digital Conversation: Breaking the Mental Health Stigma for Black Women
Therapy for Black Girls podcast episode about the Exodus Summit and how Black women can move abroad and embrace the soft life
How to Take a Sabbatical (for psychotherapy business owners)
Let’s Connect
Book therapy with me to unlock your soft life
Search for a therapist on our Black therapist directory
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